Still Too Tired to Care
by Lady Anatui
Summary: Exhausted from putting up with his parents and brother and their need to uphold the family honor, Sirius Black contemplates his options and what would happen to Regulus if he left the Black family house for good. Inspired by "Zzyzx Rd" by Stone Sour.


A/N: This is a story I wrote a long time ago but for some reason still hadn't posted on here. Don't own HP or Stone Sour music.

Hope you enjoy! Leave me a review!

Anatui

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><p><span>Still Too Tired to Care<span>

Sirius hadn't always hated the house. When he was little—when he was isolated—he had loved being a Black child. He had loved the fact that he was the heir and that he had been a good son. He had loved being loved, and after all, who doesn't? His parents had completely adored him, and they had spoken of how he would grow up to be the best Black yet. He had believed them, something he now deemed stupid.

But then he went to Hogwarts. He hadn't wanted to leave at first. He was afraid that the change would make him grow apart from his family. And that's exactly what it did. He hadn't wanted it to, but slowly it had. That was mostly because of the people he met there, though.

When he had first arrived on the Hogwarts Express, he had met James Potter. At first they hadn't gotten along, mostly because of the things that Sirius's family had told him of the Potters. They believed practically everything that Sirius had been taught was wrong, so how could they possibly be anything but enemies?

Somehow, though, the Sorting Hat had known that he didn't belong in Slytherin. It had been his worst nightmare, but he had been placed in the house of Gryffindor and the entire Great Hall had gone as silent as the grave. It was actually rather amazing but scary nonetheless.

He hadn't had any friends for a couple weeks after that, and he had spent most of his time sending letters to his younger brother, Regulus, who was the only person he trusted to not be angry (especially since, the day after the Sorting Ceremony, he had received the worst thing in the world: a Howler from his mother). But Regulus had tried his best to be a wonderful, understanding brother, and he had always been there for Sirius, even if their parents were disappointed in him. Still, they held together as brothers should.

Sirius inhaled and glanced out his dark window. The night was starry and beautiful, but he knew he couldn't appreciate it while cooped up inside his bedroom, which was far more like a cage than an actual bedroom.

But James Potter had pushed his way into Sirius's life without asking and without caring. They despised each other and yet they allied themselves against the Slytherins, as they were both hated by those Slytherins for being blood traitors. Slowly but surely, they had grown to be friends, despite their differences in upbringing and lifestyle.

Sometime after that, Remus and Peter had joined them, but that didn't have nearly as drastic an effect as James had on him. But they all eagerly bonded and stayed together almost like brothers. And during the time that Sirius couldn't see Regulus, they _were_ brothers.

When he had returned home the summer after his first year, Sirius and Regulus had no longer been the same brothers that they had used to be. Sirius had changed with James, Remus, and Peter, but Regulus had remained the same boy he had been before Sirius had left. They had barely spoken since the day Sirius and James had become friends.

And he had been sad because of it. Sirius had known that, despite how close he and James had already become and were still becoming, James could never replace his actual brother. They had been so close together. They had fought, argued, laughed, smiled, played jokes, mocked their cousins, cried—and all of it together as true brothers would have done. But everything had changed, and to tell the truth, Sirius had been afraid because of it.

A short knock resounded off Sirius's bedroom door and he looked over as the door opened to reveal his younger brother. Sirius was now sixteen, and he and Regulus had barely spoken in the years since those first days of Hogwarts.

"Hey," Regulus said in a hushed voice as he closed the door behind himself.

Sirius looked back out the window and sighed heavily. "I don't want to fight again," he responded eventually.

After returning to the Black house for that first time since arriving at Hogwarts, Sirius had tried his best to be the same brother he had been to Regulus, but he had discovered that things had changed drastically. They hadn't been speaking for long before a fight had broken out between the two.

Neither his mother nor his father had spoken to him since his arrival at Kings Cross, so he had been awaiting a time that he could enjoy with his brother, but, when it came, they both realized that they had been hiding from the truth: Sirius was no longer the Black that he had been brought up as. He was a completely new person, one that cared more about the people he had been taught to hate and one that did not care as much about those he had been taught to love. He was what most purebloods called a blood traitor.

Both of them, Sirius and Regulus, had been oblivious to it. They had tried to hide from it, to ignore it. They hadn't wanted to ruin anything that had been between them because they had been brothers and very close. But that didn't stop the facts from being told eventually.

Even Regulus had changed. Without the help and unknowing protection of his older brother, he had been more susceptible to the wills and whims of their parents. He had been pulled deeper and deeper into the world of the Dark Arts. He had been pulled in so deep that both he and Sirius doubted that he could ever be pulled back out, even though neither voiced this opinion to the other or to anyone.

"I didn't come here to fight," replied Regulus as he moved toward his brother on the bed. "I came here to talk."

Sirius laughed doubtfully. "We never talk anymore."

"All the more reason to do so, don't you think?"

He shrugged, not in the mood to communicate anything. Finally, he said, "What about?"

After settling down on the bed beside him, Regulus answered. "I've been thinking about stuff lately. I've been thinking about you, mostly."

"Why?"

He took a deep breath in resignation and said quite quickly, "I've come to tell you that you can't leave."

Sirius looked up at that with a furrowed brow. "What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. You've been planning it for years, but you can't leave."

"Why not?"

"Because it's too dangerous."

"And there aren't any dangers here? Come on, Regulus, I'm not a little kid anymore. I can make my own decisions, and I certainly don't need someone younger than me to tell me that I'll be making a mistake."

"You can't leave!" exclaimed Regulus indignantly, though not loud enough to catch their parents' attention.

"I most certainly can. Regulus, we've been cooped up in this hellhole our entire lives. Hogwarts is the only safe place we know because it's away from the mania of our family. It's safe there. How can you disagree with me?"

"I don't disagree that Hogwarts is safe, but this isn't a hellhole, Sirius. We're stuck here, but how is that a bad thing? This is our home. We were born here, and we're probably going to die here." He tried his best to look at Sirius with the most convincing look he could muster, but his brother wasn't even looking at him anymore.

Sirius was still watching the night as he spoke again. "You may die here, Regulus, but I refuse to. The next time I step out that front door, I'm never coming back. I'm never going to return to his place. I _hate_ this place. This may be the place of my upbringing, but I hate it and I never want to see it again."

"How can you say that? This is our _home_."

"Home," laughed Sirius. "What a bullshit word. The closest thing to a home I've ever had is Hogwarts."

"But Sirius—"

"No, Regulus. I'm going to go. You're right, you know. I have been planning this for a long time, but I never really had the guts to carry it out. I kept thinking that, somewhere deep inside you, you were still the same person that you were long ago when we still acted like the brothers we were brought up to be. But thank you, Regulus, for coming to me now. You made me realize that I was wrong. I wasn't the only one to change when I went to Hogwarts. You did, too, and neither us of really realized it until it was far too late. If this is the life you've chosen, I don't want to be a part of it.

"I have to admit that I am scared, though. I'm afraid that, if I leave you here alone, you _will_ die, but I have to take that chance because, if I don't get out of here now, I know you won't die in here alone. I don't want to give up my life for people that don't even care about me anymore. I don't think Dad has ever said a word to me since the day I was sent off to Hogwarts, did you know that?

"It's taken me so long to figure this all out, but I know now that I have to leave if I want to live a normal, full life. Sure, I bet I'll still die, especially with all the horrible things that are happening now with the coming of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, but I want to die doing something good and heroic like the Gryffindor I know I was meant to become.

"I've spent so much time trying to hide from the world and all the horrors in it, but I know I need to get out there and do something, even if I regret it eventually. But I shouldn't regret it, because even if I do something stupid or bad, it's still experience and I can learn from that. Like I'm learning from this now. I'm learning that, if I don't do anything, I won't ever be able to do anything about it for the rest of my life.

"My life was always simple before Hogwarts. I spent time with my family. I loved my family. I did what I was told without asking why because that was just what a Black child was supposed to do. Asking questions is forbidden, so I just didn't. But everything changed, and now my life is so much more complicated. I'm over all that stuff they taught us. I can't just sit and watch as all my possibilities float out the door. I refuse to laze around and be a pawn in the games that our parents play. I'm a person, and I just want to be able to be the person I know I am inside beneath the layers of hatred and anger and darkness that our parents forced on me.

"After all the lies and promises and falsehoods our parents have told us, I don't think I can stand to be here much longer. You know I'm not a patient person, Regulus. I've been that way my entire life, so it can't be that big of a surprise that I'm growing more and more impatient as the time passes. And I just keep thinking that I need to get out of here so that I can see the world and experience a real life. I need to do this for me, Regulus. I need to be able to lead a life that's my own and not my parents'. I need to be able to be happy and sad and angry on my own—not something forced on me, not something that's so fake even if it seems so real.

"I'm just so damn tired, Regulus. I'm tired of hiding, tired of being stuck here and not doing anything about it. I'm tired of watching my friends all be happy when I'm so depressed. All right, so I know it's not all happy for them, but they have families that care about them, and I don't—"

"I care," interrupted Regulus.

"What?"

"I care, Sirius. Sure, I haven't been a very good brother since we were first separated, but that doesn't mean I hate you and it certainly doesn't mean that I'm happy about it. I'm not just asking you to stay because it goes against what our parents think and believe. I'm asking you to stay because I love you and I need you here.

"Oh, Merlin, I know I'm going to die here, Sirius, and I don't want you to die here either, but I know that, the moment you leave this house, it won't be home for me anymore at all. I know that I'll only ever see you again at school in the coming year, but I also know that I'll never be able to talk to you there and I'll never be able to tell you again how much I care about you."

Regulus's voice broke as the words escaped his mouth, and he tried his best not to let himself falter again. "I'm asking you to stay here because I need you here, Sirius. I need you to keep me sane. I need you, Sirius. You're the closest thing I have to a friend, did you know that? You're my brother, and I'm asking you to stay. Please stay."

"I can't, Reg, you know that," responded Sirius sadly, refusing to look at his brother, trying to hide the tears welling up in his eyes. He didn't want to leave his brother, but he knew he had to. "I need this. I know it sounds horrible, but I have to sacrifice everything here to actually be able to live."

"I do know. I just don't want to believe it. Where are you going to go, though? The Potters'? To James Potter?"

Sirius nodded slowly and several tears finally fell down his cheeks, but he easily hid them. "Did you really think I wouldn't see this through, Regulus? Did you really believe I'd stay here?"

"No, not really," admitted his brother. "But I have to have hope, don't I? That's one thing that Mother always taught us: If you don't have hope, you have nothing."

"I'm so sorry, Regulus," Sirius said, finally lifting up his hand to wipe away the tears that decided they didn't want to stop. "I don't want to leave you here, but I have to. I want to have a real family, one that I can communicate with and one that I can love unconditionally.

"This place is just wearing away all my hope, and I know that if there hadn't been you, I wouldn't still have hope to leave here. So I know you need me here, but… but can't you come with me, Regulus?" he said suddenly, turning on his brother with a small, hopeful smile.

But Regulus shook his head. "I'm not as strong as you are, Sirius. Your friends wouldn't accept me, and I'd be pulverized by the other Slytherins in the fall. I wouldn't stand a chance."

"A better chance than you have now!" argued Sirius.

"Maybe, but I wouldn't stand a chance either way. I might as well stay here."

"What about your hope?"

"My hope is leaving tonight, don't you know that?"

"Yes, but if you come with me, isn't there still hope?"

He shook his head in the negative again. "There's no more hope for me anymore, Sirius. Goodbye," he said slowly and removed himself from the room.

Sirius tried to follow his brother back to his room, but when he reached it, Regulus had locked the door, and Sirius knew that there would be no convincing him.

So he returned to his own bedroom and finished the packing he had begun earlier that evening. He never really unpacked his things during summertime, but there were still some things that he knew he had to take that he had previously left behind when on his way to Hogwarts, one of those items being an old photograph of himself and Regulus when they were younger and before anything such as Hogwarts had even crossed either's mind.

With his trunk dragged out behind him, he made his way down the stairs and toward the front door. His mother was screaming at him the moment she saw him, but he didn't even really notice it. He was too tired of the house and the life he knew inside it to care about anything like that.

As he stepped out of the door, he made a pact that he would never again enter the place as long as he lived. Besides, he wouldn't really be considered family anyway. He would be part of a long-forgotten history for the Black family, something they would despise and hate for the rest of their lives so much that he would be removed from the tapestry.

And despite the great love he felt for his brother, he was still too tired to care about the life he had chosen to lead, and he knew that one day Regulus would regret his choice but it would be far too late.


End file.
